Wet Painters
by woodybuzzmiles
Summary: When Hamm assigns Woody and Buzz to paint his living room walls, the two mistakenly got paint on Hamm's very first dollar. The two must do whatever it takes to remove the paint before Hamm finds out.


NARRATOR: A slow day at The Cheesebuger Corral.

WOODY: Hey, Potato Head, check this out. ( _holds up a raw patty in each hand_ ) Two ordinary Horse Hamburgers, but when expertly tossed with the skill of a champ, they become... ( _throws them across the floor and Woody slides the patties across the room, Buzz jumps out of nowhere with his feet landing on the patties_ )

BUZZ: A one-way ticket to **PAIN!** ( _he_ _slams into the wall_ )

( _Cut to Mr. Hamm in his office. Window falls on ground from Buzz's crash and_ _glass breaks_ _into pieces_ )

HAMM: Huh?

( _Cut back to outside the office. Woody is on Buzz's chest with a mop in hand while Buzz slides offscreen to the left_ )

WOODY: Heave- _ho_! ( _crashes_ )

( _Office door slams open, Mr. Hamm storms out_ )

HAMM: What the devil is going on out here?! Time is money! And if you boys is wasting time, then you're wasting money! And _that's_ just sick.

WOODY: But we were performing a ritual to attract customers. And the only way the ritual can work is for us to get hurt, real bad.

HAMM: What idiot told you that?

( _Cut to Potato Head at the_ _register with a magazine in his hands_ )

POTATO HEAD: (with a suspicious grin) Uhhhhh...

HAMM: Listen, instead of maiming yourselves, I've got something real important for you to do for me.

( _scene cuts to outside Mr. Hamm's home, where he is talking to Woody and Buzz_ )

HAMM: Now, are you men ready for your super...

WOODY & BUZZ: ( _eyes get wide_ ) Super…..

HAMM: Special?

WOODY & BUZZ: ( _eyes get bigger and lips tremble_ ) ….special….

HAMM: (whispering) Secret?

WOODY & BUZZ: ( _faces are small as they whisper_ ) ….secret…

HAMM: Assignment?

WOODY & BUZZ: ( _eyes get crazy-like and they start yelling incoherently_ )

HAMM: The two of you are to paint the inside of me house! ( _opens his front door, showing inside_ )

WOODY & BUZZ: ( _Jumping into the air_ ) Yeah!

HAMM: ( _In a stern tone_ ) But, let me give you two a warning: (Holds up two buckets of paint) this here paint is _absolutely permanent_. (shoves them into Woody and Buzz's hands) It will _never_ come off. (Angrily) So if _I_ see even _ONE_ drop on _ANYTHING_ but _WALL_ , I'll have your rear ends cut off... ( _holds up two empty plaques, each with their names on it_ ) ...and **_MOUNTED OVER ME FIREPLACE!_** ( _Woody and Buzz step back behind the open door, Hamm's tone becomes friendly again) So, have fun with the_ _job. (_ closes the door with the two inside the house _)_

( _Inside the house, Woody and Buzz turn around and look inside_ )

WOODY: Hey, Buzz?

BUZZ: Yeah, buddy?

( _Cut to a_ _view of the inside of the room, with many objects clattered around the room_ )

WOODY: Mr. Hamm sure has a lot of expensive treasures to drip paint on. ( _Puts his paint bucket down_ ) Do you think we should take all this stuff off the walls?

BUZZ: No can do, Woody. We're not getting paid to move stuff.

WOODY: Buzz, we're not getting paid at all.

BUZZ: Well, that's what I said! We're not getting paid and that's final.

WOODY: Okay, we'll just paint around all this stuff.

BUZZ: Good, just don't pay me.

WOODY: First we need to set out the tarp. _[pulls out a tarp]_

BUZZ: _[grabs the other end of the tarp]_ Tarp ahoy! _[Woody and Buzz spread the tarp on the floor. The camera zooms out, showing that it is a tiny square.]_

WOODY: We're gonna need more coverage, buddy. _[scene cuts to more tarp on the floor, with the paint buckets where the first piece of tarp was]_ Now that's what I'm talking about! _[nervous tone]_ Well, I guess we should open these cans of permanent paint now.

BUZZ: _[also nervous]_ That will never, ever come off.

WOODY: And if we get it on anything, Mr. Hamm will cut our butts off.

BUZZ: And mount them on the wall. _[Woody takes a screwdriver and tries to open the lid by moving the screwdriver back and forth]_ Careful, Woody. Careful, Woody. Woody, careful. Careful, Woody. Careful, Woody! Careful, Woody! CAREFUL, WOODY!

WOODY: Buzz, the lid already came off.

BUZZ: Oh. _[happily]_ Now it's my turn. _[gets out a giant battle ax and hits the paint can with it. Woody hurriedly grabs the can.]_

WOODY: _[nervously]_ I'm thinking I should do this one too, Patrick.

 _[He carefully opens the lid with same screwdriver as before. The lid opens, and a blob of paint jumps out. Woody and Buzz scream. The blob bounces off a piece of tarp. Woody and Buzz scream louder. The blob bounces off eight pieces of tarp, then lands right back into the can.]_

BUZZ: Well, that was a rip-off.

WOODY: Okay, Buzz. _[holds up a large brush]_ Let's get our brushes ready. _[Woody looks at the brush he's holding and starts sweating.]_ Uh, maybe we should start with a smaller brush. _[throws the brush offscreen. He gets a smaller paintbrush and pulls a hair out of his nose. Buzz does the same, but he clutches the brush and puts it deep into his nose and forcefully pulls it out with a huge mass of nose hair. Woody dips tip of his paintbrush into his paint can and walks to a wall]_ Alright, Buzz, gotta get started, _[the camera zooms out to a huge, decorated wall]_ painting this wall _[the camera zooms in to Woody's face in front of the paintbrush dabbed with the white paint.]_ with the permanent paint that we aren't allowed to get on anything _[the camera zooms back out to the decorated wall]_ but the wall. _[starts sweating]_ Well, here we go.

 _[Cut to a timecard that says "One Hour Later".]_

NARRATOR: One hour later.

WOODY: _[looking exactly the same as the previous scene]_ I just a few more seconds of mental preparation and I'll be painting this wall.

 _[Cut to a timecard that says "Two Hours Later".]_

NARRATOR: Two hours later.

WOODY: _[still standing in the same spot, but with a puddle of sweat under his feet]_ I'm getting to the painting soon.

 _[Cut to a timecard that says "Three Hours Later".]_

NARRATOR: Three hours later.

 _[The camera zooms out to reveal Buzz holding the timecard. He is also sweating.]_

BUZZ: _[holds the "THREE HOURS LATER" sign]_ Could you move it along? I've ran out of time cards.

WOODY: _[still the same, but the puddle of sweat is bigger now]_ No problem. Here I go. _[Zooms in to a space in the wall. Woody makes a small vertical line of paint. He pulls the brush back carefully, and smiles widely. The paint then starts sliding down the wall.]_ Huh? ( _blows it one direction then another then another until he gets a hair dryer and the paint glides off the wall in a bubble. He turns it off, and blows onto it_ ) Yeah. _[notices the big paint bubble.]_ Tumbling tumbleweeds! What could be worse than a giant paint bubble?

BUZZ: Oh, I know... _[takes a bubble wand, dips it in the paint then blows a big bubble_ ) TWO giant paint bubbles!

WOODY: **_NO!_** _[the two bubbles merge]_ Buzz?

BUZZ: Yeah, Woody?

WOODY: I don't think this bubble can get much bigger.

BUZZ: _[with a bicycle pump into the bubble]_ Nonsense! ( _blows up the bubble even bigger_ )

WOODY: BUZZ, NO! (the bubble explodes. Paint splatters all over the wall, covering up all the old brown spots. SpongeBob moves out of the way for the last bit of paint to splash on the wall in the form of how he was standing _) We did it! We painted the whole house and without getting a drop of paint on anything but the... (_ shrieks _)_ **HOPPIN' HORSES, WHAT'S THAT?!** ** _[_** _dramatic zoom and music to a dollar on the wall which has a dot of paint on it. Woody's eyes crack and shatter like eggs and the insides drip on the floor. Woody then collapses. Buzz walks up to his friend.]_ We're dead, Buzz. Do you know what that is?

BUZZ: Hmmm...it's a dollar. I win!

WOODY: That's not just any regular dollar. It's Mr. Hamm's _first_ dollar! His most prized possession! AND WE GOT PAINT ON IT!

BUZZ: I think you are overreacting Woody, I don't see any paint.

WOODY: _[takes the dollar of the wall]_ Okay, this isn't a problem. Maybe I can just simply wipe it off. _[he takes a handkerchief out of his pocket and wipes it, but the paint smears, making it even more noticeable with a huge diagonal smear slash along it.]_ There, I think I got it. ( _wipes it more but it gets worse, the paint covering the whole dollar! Woody shrieks in horror.]_

BUZZ: _[pointing to the dollar with both hands]_ Oh, now I see it!

WOODY: This is not good, Buzz! This is not good! Mr. Hamm is gonna be home soon, and when he sees what we've done to his first dollar... _[scene cuts to a fantasy of Woody and Buzz's butts on the wall above the fireplace while Mr. Hamm is enjoying some tea by the fire.]_

 _[Back in reality, the cowboy and spaceman grab their butts and scream.]_

BUZZ: Wait, Woody, all we got to do is wash the paint off and Krabs will never know!

WOODY: But Mr. Krabs said...

BUZZ: _[plugs Woody's mouth]_ Forget what Mr. Hamm said! Every paint comes off with something! ( _scene cuts to Woody standing by a washing machine. He opens it_ )

WOODY: Did it work? ( _Buzz pops up from the washing machine with the dollar, still with paint on it, and a bra on his head, in his hands_ )

BUZZ: No. _[scene cuts to Woody sanding the dollar in Buzz's hand]_

WOODY: Did it work? _[Buzz's hands are gone]_

BUZZ: No. ( _scene cuts to SpongeBob using a fire hose in a fire hydrant, Patrick screaming off-screen_ )

WOODY: Did it work? ( _Buzz holds up the dollar that left a hole in his body from the force of the water, but place where dollar and hands were._ )

BUZZ: No. _[scene cuts to Woody banging the dollar Patrick is holding with a bat, while Buzz is wearing a neck brace and has a black eye, in a room with various tools and weapons.]_

WOODY: _NOTHING'S WORKING!_

BUZZ: Wait, Woody, we're not cavemen! _[back in the living room, the two boys over to a computer]_ We have technology. _[Buzz picks up the computer and repeatedly pounds it on the dollar six times. The camera zooms in on the dollar, all wrinkled.]_

WOODY: It didn't work.

BUZZ: This is all that Mr. Hamm's fault! If he hadn't have hung that stupid dollar in the first place...I mean, it's not like it looks any different than a regular dollar. Why hang it? You could just stick any old dollar bill up on the wall, no one would even know the difference! You might as well just reach into my wallet, pull out a dollar, and put it on the wall! And w-

WOODY: Hurry, Buzz, take out your wallet.

BUZZ: ( _scoffs and looks for a dollar_ ) I don't see where you're going with this.( _notices dollar_ ) Hey, a dollar! (It looks exactly like the original dollar.)

WOODY: Our butts are saved, Buzz! Now all we have to...Buzz, no! (Buzz puts his dollar in a vending machine) Buzz! No...why did you put it... (the dollar comes out) AAH! Grab it, grab it! Hurry, hurry! (Buzz pushes it back in) Aww, no, no! (dollar comes out again) Get it, Buzz, get it, get it! ( _Woody starts stammering incoherently, Buzz slams it back in again using both hands flat up against the machine slot._ ) No-o-o-o-o-ooo! ( _Buzz walks up to Woody with a chocolate bar in hand_ )

BUZZ: (eating it) Want a bite, buddy?

WOODY: Okay, okay, we still have plenty of time! _[looks in a nearby mirror]_ Don't panic, cowboy. Panic is the enemy. You are strong! Through your strength, you shall overcome. _[Mr. Hamm is heard humming "Blow The Man" outside the house]_

REFLECTION WOODY: You're on your own, pal. _[walks off.]_

WOODY: **_AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_** Hurry Buzz, put Mr. Hamm's dollar back on the wall! I've got an idea. _[Mr. Hamm enters his house, carrying groceries. All the lights are off.]_

HAMM: What the-?

WOODY: _[nervous]_ We're all done, sir. Everything looks great.

BUZZ: _[also nervous]_ Yeah, you don't have to look around. We already did that for you. _[Mr. Hamm turns the lights on. Woody and Buzz are grinning widely and nervously.]_

HAMM: You both look like you got a dirty little secret. ( _Woody and Buzz stare_ ) Ha! I'm kidding. Let's see how you did. Oh, not bad, boys, not bad. A nice even coat, high gloss, no bubbles.

WOODY: Yeah, looks great, Mr. Hamm. We'll just be going.

HAMM: ( _shouts_ ) Flippin' fish parcels! Look what you did!

WOODY & BUZZ: Oh, Mr. Hamm, we're so sorry! Please! Don't de butt me! Don't de butt me!

HAMM: "Sorry''? You dusted all my knickknacks! That was really nice. ( _Shouts again_ ) Great Barrier Reef! What's this?

WOODY & BUZZ: Mr. Hamm, it's not our fault! We didn't do it on purpose! Accident, accident, accident, accident!

HAMM: Oh, and I suppose the floor molding just painted itself on its own. ( _wall is decorated with tiny ships_ ) _That's_ what I call craftsmanship. Criminy jim-jim! You messed up my dollar... ( _runs over to a bunch of dolls lined up perfectly, with one of them tilted slightly to the left_ ) ...rama! All the dolls in this dollarama were perfectly aligned! _(straightens one of the dolls to an upright position_ )

DOLL: Mama.

HAMM: And you boys thought I wouldn't notice. Oh well, I guess no harm done. All right boys, you're free to go. _[runs into a long pile of paintings on the wall]_ Ow! That's funny, I don't remember a stack of paintings jutting from the wall where me first dollar used to be. In fact, I don't remember this painting at all. _[takes a painting of a clown crying off the wall, showing one of a car race]_ Or this one. _[takes it off, showing a painting of abstract art. Spongebob and Patrick are trembling.]_ Or this one. Or this one. Or this one. Or this one. _[takes a painting of a realistic yellow banana off, showing a painting of the pirate from the opening sequence]_ Or this one. _[takes it off. Woody is behind the painting he just took off. He is hanging by a rope on a nail._

WOODY: _[nervously]_ Howdy, Mr. Hamm.

HAMM: Woody, what are you doing?

WOODY: Oh, you know, just hanging around.

BUZZ: _[gives a thumbs down]_ Boo.

HAMM: Get down onto the floor, boy. _[Woody just stretches his body to the floor]_ All right, now you're just being silly. _[takes Woody off the wall]_

WOODY: _(yelling)_ NO NO NO NO, MR. HAMM! No! Don't look, it's a trick!

HAMM: Did you two get paint all over me first dollar?

WOODY: We're sorry, Mr. Hamm!

BUZZ: We're so sorry!

HAMM: And then did you draw on it with crayon?! _[two dollar signs and a smiley face are scrawled on the dollar with crayon. SpongeBob turns to Patrick, who is grinning nervously.]_

BUZZ: _[holding a green crayon]_ Uh, I thought, you know, maybe he'd buy it.

HAMM: ( _Menacingly_ ) All right boys...you know what I've got to do now?

WOODY: You mean our butts?

BUZZ: Can I use mine one last time? ( _Mr. Hamm takes the dollar and licks it with his tongue. The paint comes off! He then puts the dollar back up on the wall_ )

HAMM: There we go, good as new.

WOODY & BUZZ: _(stammering in confusion)_ But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but...

HAMM: Yeah, I lied. This paint actually comes off with saliva. Ha-ha.

(Pause.)

WOODY: Oh, I get it, Mr. Hamm. You told us the paint was permanent so me and Patrick would be more careful and not get paint on anything.

HAMM: Nah, I just like to mess with you! ( _laughs. The cowboy & and spaceman leave his house in disgust. As Mr. Hamm, continues laughing hysterically, he spits all over the place._) The old man's still got it! (laughs) Huh? ( _the paint comes off the wall from the spit. His living room is nothing but a mess of wet white paint_ ) Aww, crud. I really got to learn to say it, not spray it.


End file.
